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|Thursday, December 25th, 2014|
|out of order
i know im not putting these things in the proper order, but you will have to forgive me. im going to put what i have freshest in my mind now, then ill work on going back to the beginning, and getting all of those as well...
douche move 1 (in order of me talking about them, not in chronological order)
my mom makes one of two things for xmas dinner (please dont get me started on the amount of times ive tried explaining how atheism works, and that i dont want to meet up for any reason on this specific date...) either lasagna or ham. i want lasagna, as its one of my top two favorite things she makes (i wont choose lasagna or chicken noodle soup... i just wont do it).
i ask the roommate which he wants, since he is (presumably) coming with me to dinner. he wants ham. well... i dont, but the guest is always right. not a horribly big deal, but a sacrifice no less.
who decided yesterday he couldnt make it to dinner, so now my mother is has already bought a bunch of food to make, etc... and im also stuck eating the thing i dont want? yay. you win a cookie.
ill admit this isnt the most terrible of things to happen, and ranks a bit low on the list of my complaints, but the amount of ego/self importance is a bit staggering to me. you change the course of an entire evening to suit you, then decide you have more important things to be doing instead? fuck you, man.... wow. thats pretty low.
|Monday, December 22nd, 2014|
i decided i needed a place to vent, and good ol' journal, you are always there for me.
i have a roommate. i dont want a roommate. i didnt ask for a roommate, and i would love to not have one, but things happen, and i have made the choices i have... and i have a roommate.
as things spiral in my brain a bit, i thought it would be good to get them out on 'paper', so to speak.
i thought it might be good to have a list, a journal, as it were, to list all of my problems, that way, when things do finally go south, i would be able to come back here and see if its me that is/was crazy, or if my list of problems are/were justified....
i know that a lot of this will be petty. i know that a lot of this will seem like im just complaining to complain.. but isnt that sort of what a journal is for? to complain about little things that bother me, but arent really things i should be bothered *by*?
|Thursday, December 26th, 2013|
i hate my life.
i hate... everything.
i cant deny that i put myself in this place.
i cant deny that i all of my problems exist because of my actions, but... fuck!
i dont like this.
i dont want to be where i am.
im not sure i can continue this path.
...time will tell, i guess.
|Wednesday, December 25th, 2013|
just when i try to connect...
just when i decide things might work out, and its worth the time and effort...
i give an olive branch, and you push it away.
why do i try?
why am i continuing this dance?
if things wont work, its not the end of the world, but they wont work. there is no harm in that. there really isnt. but... ::sigh::
i feel like all my effort can never pay off, which makes me think im stupid for even trying...
..::sigh:: Current Mood: disappointed
|Saturday, November 16th, 2013|
ive turned into the thing in the world i hate the most.
i dont, in any way, want to be the type of person that thinks one thing, but does another...
my situation in life has it so that i am currently living a life that, if i could, i wouldnt... but due to circumstances, i have to...
would i be better off living the proper life, or am i doing the right thing simply to exist?
|Friday, January 27th, 2012|
|so much to say
no where near having a clue where to begin.
two big things things to talk about on my mind.
a) royal rumble. i know i shouldnt go.
i know i cant afford to go.
i dont have anyone to go with, which makes me sad.
i will have to work the next day, and doing the math.. thats.. not realistic to do.
that being said? i want to go.
ive never been.
on the list of things to do before i die, ill go ahead and say its on there, so thats a plus.
im getting older. im getting to where risks and adventure do not hold the sway for me that they used to.
thats.... really, really sad. why should you not want adventure, just because you are older?
stories are what life is about. the story of all night driving to get back to work on time? THATS a story. thats life. thats living.
the story of being too scared? thats not living. thats a bullet in the head.
im about to buy a house. biggest decision of my life? pretty close, if not exact. im having a crisis based on deciding if i should do whats technically best for me, or doing whats best for my situation.
i need to have my own place to live.
i want my own place to live.
i NEED to have my cats back in my life.
do i take what could be a bad house, just to get my life in order fast? or do i wait... do i put my life on hold, for the better decision, in the long run?
i had quality time with my babies tonight (my cats). it almost made me cry. my black heart almost cracked, just being with them.
is that reason enough to make a bad decision? maybe. i really dont know.
i hate life. Current Mood: contemplative
|Sunday, December 11th, 2011|
i dont... i dont know how much longer i can do this.
kicked out of my comfort zone.
back at the house i grew up in. no one wants that.
denied opportunity to live on my own. an apartment? no thanks.
do i take a lesser option asap just to be alone, or tolerate to get things in proper order?
i just want to be with my children. is that really asking too much?
i dont know if i can possibly find the effort.
|Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011|
its days like today i dont fully understand why people have faith in others.
im struggling to know how or why im supposed to put my heart on the line when both sides of the fence are willing to stomp on it. is there a reason i was a hermit for the last two years? yeah. its days like today. i know its 'cowardly' in some regards, but ya know what? hermits and cowards dont EVER have people disappoint them, since they never put their necks on the line.
maybe i should go ahead and keep doing that. fuck the world, and just get by until the sweet release of death decides its my time, and i can be done with this life. (no, that was NOT a suicidal thing in any way. fear not) Current Mood: disappointed
|Wednesday, October 19th, 2011|
well.. .im at something of a crossroads in life...
on one hand.... ive finally found something that hits my preconceived notion of perfect.
on one hand... ive found someone that is into me for me, and nothing else.
on one hand... ive found 'the perfect girl'.
of course, this comes with the pessimistic knowledge that no one is perfect, and everything you think is wrong.
i know long distance relationships dont work
i know long distance relationships, by definition, cant work....
i want it to work anyway.
im closing in on a year of obsession. the night i met her? i had someone come up to me and say "you like her, dont you?" of course i did/do. why would i not?
she was a light in the darkness, so to speak.
she was a beacon of hope, in my life of hate.
i grow obsessive... i go out of my way to make sure people understand what i feel..... this was one of those situations. was i trying to make it hard to figure out i was interested? of course not. there are a million women in clubs that i am physically attracted to, but i never let anyone know, because it is simply that. physical attraction. this girl was different. this girl was..... more.
i wouldnt have let anyone know i was interested if i knew the situation was out of my hands. if i thought i could deal with it on my own, i wouldnt have told anyone and dealt with it on my own. but i knew, since she was dating someone else... i knew.... i couldnt approach things the way i normally do. the key? "i dont think shes happy in the relationship she is in". without knowing it, that info that was given to me was the key to the fucking kingdom. that was all i needed to have hope.
did i do anything wrong/immoral? not at all.
did i push issues that, maybe i shouldnt have, with my knowledge? ::shrugs:: maybe.
all in all, i have no regrets, no fears, and no worries.
time will tell how this will end, and i accept it, no matter the outcome. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Thursday, June 30th, 2011|
ive decided im going to speak my mind, for better, or for worse, here...
could be religion.... could be a random thought... could be philosophy of... anything...
today, i want to talk about philosophy, to some small degree....
people care too much about what others think about them.
you should live your life based on what YOU want to live it by. if someone tells you you are doing things wrong, tell them to fuck off. anyone that lives their life to please others is NOT living their life. do what you need or want to do in life, and hope you can find others that feel the same way.
if you make excuses for others as to how they fit into your life, or how they get you, even though you dont REALLY get them.... you are living your life as a lie. find someone that HONESTLY understand you, or take the moral high ground, and be alone... your life will be better, in the end.
|Friday, June 10th, 2011|
well, the thing i love most in the world has ended.
it seems the goth/industrial scene in indy is NOT worth ed'fighting for.
that pains me more than... almost life itself.
ive gone above and beyond the call of duty in trying to help unify the scene. i really have. ive had an open door policy with ALL (well, fuck dj nightmare, though he never asked, so its a mute point) dj's in and around the scene.
ive tried to be nice.
ive tried to let ANYONE (see above) play. ive tried to let anyone do whatever it is they want, so we can have a unified scene... to no avail.
all ive gotten for my trouble is to be 'unfriended' for my trouble by the bartender that i thought was my friend. nope! im wrong. she apparently is NOT a friend, and was only using me, hoping to get tips. wow. fuck that cunt.
i dont want to be an asshole, but...
ive ONLY gone out of my way to help any/everyone (see above) in the scene. ive let people dj that are not dj's. ive let my personal biases towards people be water under the bridge, and let them play more than i want. ive let people i personally have a grudge against play some of the biggest shows of the year/decade in our scene, all under the 'all for one' banner. ive let people in other cities play, when my name NEVER (or so it seems) comes up in 'their' scene...
and what have i gotten for it? nothing.
not a fucking thing.
im not bitching to get noticed. im not bitching to get a spot at an event i probably wont show up to... but im bitching set the record straight. ive done NOTHING but waste time and effort on a scene that doesnt seem to give a shit, and on dj's that dont actually give a fuck about me.
all ive learned recently is that i should stop trying to help others, because no one gives a fuck about me. i think its safe for me to start a new night, not let ANYONE ELSE play at it, and tell anyone asking to fuck off. :/
whooo! glad im into the things im into. fuck everyone. :( Current Mood: bitchy
|Tuesday, April 5th, 2011|
im at a low point in life..
i dont want to scare anyone.... i dont want to sound like a bitch.... im just being a realist. my life is shit. my life is whatever comes after 180 degrees from where i wanted it to be at this point..
i gave THE worst speech in my speech class tonight... just.. the worst.
i blame myself and my procrastination.... i dont blame anything/one else.
im a horrible person at this point....
fucking the wrong person? maybe
wanting to better my life? sure
trying to better myself? nope
doing anything positive? nope
im in NO WAY saying anything suicide realated... but.. when is it okay to say im done with life, and am okay with checking out?
|Thursday, March 10th, 2011|
im gearing up for a comic convention.
i cant seem to find a place to stay (maybe my uncle, but its almost too far) and i dont really have the time i want to be going at all.
i dont care though, i need to go. for me. this is something i REALLY look forward to, and i need some selfish time in life. the worst part is, i dont think ive read half the comics i bought last year. ::sigh:: so im throwing more wood on a fire thats barely blazing.
i DO get to see patton oswalt though, and thats pretty exciting.
i finally came to terms with what i need/want out of a companion in life, and actually happened to find someone meeting those requirements at my local comic store....
but when questioned, was... sorta given the cold shoulder from my comic guy. he might be (should be) interested in her as well... he's single.... so i dont specifically hold ill will... but this leads me to the biggest question in my life at the moment. how do you find dates? do they have 'im a nerd and cant get laid' dating sites? is joining ANY dating site a good idea? ugh.
i literally have the time... maybe i should just take a month off of work (yeah, THAT will pass HR!) and refocus life.... Current Mood: contemplative
|Saturday, February 12th, 2011|
|what to do....
what to do, what to do....
im at.... five? different crossroads, right now. all of them lead to disaster, all of them lead to... something else?
i HONESTLY dont care about my ex. i really, truly dont.... but.... she is moving on, and i am not. does that mean something? does that mean she is ready to move on, and i am not? i hope thats not the case, but at the same time, i feel its true. maybe im holding on... maybe im hoping we get back together.....
i can only realize that NOTHING good can come from that. honest. i know we dont belong together...
in fact, if nothing else... im thinking about moving out. we DONT belong together. even as roommates. we dont work on... any? level. perhaps. we just... we dont work. thats fine.
my big problem is a plus and minus problem. i have *someone* to move on to/with.....
ive fucked this person over MORE THAN once.
i. am. SO. NOT. that. guy.
it makes me crazy to *be* that..... guy.
the person i want? the silhouette? i want her more than... ever? maybe.
i want her. thats good enough. i want her as much as ive ever wanted her.
the new question..... do i take what i can get? do i take nothing and live with it? do i take nothing and hope to find something better?
as much as i hope things go the way i want them to, im a realist... which means... i know they wont go the way i want them to.....
time will tell?
i can only hope.
:( Current Mood: contemplative
|Sunday, January 23rd, 2011|
i came out.
was it for the scene?
was it for networking?
was it... for her?
she wasnt there. i came out, and she wasnt there.
i tried to do all i could. i tried to talk to others. i tried to fake that it was for anything other than it was, but i was only fooling... me.
she wasnt there, and i was a fool for showing up.
her silhouette. i saw her silhouette. it didnt take more than a quarter of a second at seeing her silhouette, and i knew it was here. it was, to be honest, pathetic. if given a test? and told to name 1 out of 100 silhouettes? i dont think i could pass.
HER silhouette? instant. i knew it was her.
i was right.
i cant forget it.
i wont forget it.
we didnt talk.
i gave a wave, near the end of the night, and it was returned.
it was all i could ask.
i wish i could move on, but...
but.... Current Mood: thoughtful
|Sunday, January 16th, 2011|
so im watching the golden globes with my roommate, and being told 'everything i say is negative'. i dont think it is. she does. i dont, she does... etc.
i tell her, if you really feel that way, watch it elsewhere, and she goes upstairs.
im that horrible of a person to watch this with?
im not saying no. honest. but... fuck you, if you cant understand how i talk.
none of this makes sense to me.
|Tuesday, September 21st, 2010|
|live band question
how do people feel about live bands, in general?
do you want your g/i night to be strictly a dance night? do you like live bands?
turned off by the idea?
anything i'm missing?
p.s. the social network is the beginning of the oscar season. great, great stuff. be sure to catch it. Current Mood: busy
|Sunday, September 19th, 2010|
the ass hat at work that was supposed to run my door bailed on me a few hours before the show.
hey... jack ass? got a tip.
DONT fuck with your boss. not a good idea.
yes yes, it should be a great show. urn returns to indy for the first time in... four? years or so, and xiting the systm is playing with them. huzzah!
doors at 8 - club level
same crazy drink prices, same crazy strong drinks.
bands at 9 or so, so get there early.
also, i have an open dj slot, if anyone wants it.
|Monday, September 13th, 2010|
|a few things not popular
first? true blood is a shitty, shitty, shitty show. dont watch it. DONT. it starts out okay, but seriously devolves into one of the worst shows on tv. its horrible.
second? i find is REALLY funny how revenge is going on and on about absinthe deals at their club. i dont want to play a he said, she said game, specifically, but... their club pours drinks like a jew. my club? pours drinks like a lead fisted fuck, that cant figure out how alcohol works on humans. every time i go to that club, i spend AT LEAST 3xs what i do at my bar, and i never leave drunk. do people not want strong drinks at their bar?
its an honest question. maybe more people are going out for the music and not the drinks than i think. i CANT believe that to be true though. no one gives a fuck about bands, or the music. its a REALLY sad fact in our scene. no. one. cares.
pussy, thats what matters. can i get laid? if not, i dont want to be there.
::sighs:: Current Mood: bitter