Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in rony!'s LiveJournal:

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Friday, January 27th, 2012
11:15 pm	so much to say no where near having a clue where to begin. two big things things to talk about on my mind. a) royal rumble. i know i shouldnt go. i know i cant afford to go. i dont have anyone to go with, which makes me sad. i will have to work the next day, and doing the math.. thats.. not realistic to do. that being said? i want to go. ive never been. on the list of things to do before i die, ill go ahead and say its on there, so thats a plus. im getting older. im getting to where risks and adventure do not hold the sway for me that they used to. thats.... really, really sad. why should you not want adventure, just because you are older? stories are what life is about. the story of all night driving to get back to work on time? THATS a story. thats life. thats living. the story of being too scared? thats not living. thats a bullet in the head. second? im about to buy a house. biggest decision of my life? pretty close, if not exact. im having a crisis based on deciding if i should do whats technically best for me, or doing whats best for my situation. i need to have my own place to live. i want my own place to live. i NEED to have my cats back in my life. do i take what could be a bad house, just to get my life in order fast? or do i wait... do i put my life on hold, for the better decision, in the long run? i had quality time with my babies tonight (my cats). it almost made me cry. my black heart almost cracked, just being with them. is that reason enough to make a bad decision? maybe. i really dont know. ::sigh:: i hate life. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 11th, 2011
12:26 am	... i dont... i dont know how much longer i can do this. kicked out of my comfort zone. back at the house i grew up in. no one wants that. denied opportunity to live on my own. an apartment? no thanks. do i take a lesser option asap just to be alone, or tolerate to get things in proper order? i just want to be with my children. is that really asking too much? i dont know if i can possibly find the effort. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011
10:53 pm	::sigh:: its days like today i dont fully understand why people have faith in others. im struggling to know how or why im supposed to put my heart on the line when both sides of the fence are willing to stomp on it. is there a reason i was a hermit for the last two years? yeah. its days like today. i know its 'cowardly' in some regards, but ya know what? hermits and cowards dont EVER have people disappoint them, since they never put their necks on the line. ::sighs:: maybe i should go ahead and keep doing that. fuck the world, and just get by until the sweet release of death decides its my time, and i can be done with this life. (no, that was NOT a suicidal thing in any way. fear not) Current Mood: disappointed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 19th, 2011
11:49 pm	life.... well.. .im at something of a crossroads in life... on one hand.... ive finally found something that hits my preconceived notion of perfect. on one hand... ive found someone that is into me for me, and nothing else. on one hand... ive found 'the perfect girl'. of course, this comes with the pessimistic knowledge that no one is perfect, and everything you think is wrong. i know long distance relationships dont work i know long distance relationships, by definition, cant work.... i want it to work anyway. im closing in on a year of obsession. the night i met her? i had someone come up to me and say "you like her, dont you?" of course i did/do. why would i not? she was a light in the darkness, so to speak. she was a beacon of hope, in my life of hate. i grow obsessive... i go out of my way to make sure people understand what i feel..... this was one of those situations. was i trying to make it hard to figure out i was interested? of course not. there are a million women in clubs that i am physically attracted to, but i never let anyone know, because it is simply that. physical attraction. this girl was different. this girl was..... more. i wouldnt have let anyone know i was interested if i knew the situation was out of my hands. if i thought i could deal with it on my own, i wouldnt have told anyone and dealt with it on my own. but i knew, since she was dating someone else... i knew.... i couldnt approach things the way i normally do. the key? "i dont think shes happy in the relationship she is in". without knowing it, that info that was given to me was the key to the fucking kingdom. that was all i needed to have hope. did i do anything wrong/immoral? not at all. did i push issues that, maybe i shouldnt have, with my knowledge? ::shrugs:: maybe. all in all, i have no regrets, no fears, and no worries. time will tell how this will end, and i accept it, no matter the outcome. Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 30th, 2011
10:26 pm	philosophy ive decided im going to speak my mind, for better, or for worse, here... could be religion.... could be a random thought... could be philosophy of... anything... today, i want to talk about philosophy, to some small degree.... people care too much about what others think about them. you should live your life based on what YOU want to live it by. if someone tells you you are doing things wrong, tell them to fuck off. anyone that lives their life to please others is NOT living their life. do what you need or want to do in life, and hope you can find others that feel the same way. if you make excuses for others as to how they fit into your life, or how they get you, even though you dont REALLY get them.... you are living your life as a lie. find someone that HONESTLY understand you, or take the moral high ground, and be alone... your life will be better, in the end. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 10th, 2011
10:31 pm	scene ....ugh ::sigh:: well, the thing i love most in the world has ended. it seems the goth/industrial scene in indy is NOT worth ed'fighting for. that pains me more than... almost life itself. ive gone above and beyond the call of duty in trying to help unify the scene. i really have. ive had an open door policy with ALL (well, fuck dj nightmare, though he never asked, so its a mute point) dj's in and around the scene. ive tried to be nice. ive tried to let ANYONE (see above) play. ive tried to let anyone do whatever it is they want, so we can have a unified scene... to no avail. all ive gotten for my trouble is to be 'unfriended' for my trouble by the bartender that i thought was my friend. nope! im wrong. she apparently is NOT a friend, and was only using me, hoping to get tips. wow. fuck that cunt. i dont want to be an asshole, but... ive ONLY gone out of my way to help any/everyone (see above) in the scene. ive let people dj that are not dj's. ive let my personal biases towards people be water under the bridge, and let them play more than i want. ive let people i personally have a grudge against play some of the biggest shows of the year/decade in our scene, all under the 'all for one' banner. ive let people in other cities play, when my name NEVER (or so it seems) comes up in 'their' scene... and what have i gotten for it? nothing. nothing. not a fucking thing. im not bitching to get noticed. im not bitching to get a spot at an event i probably wont show up to... but im bitching set the record straight. ive done NOTHING but waste time and effort on a scene that doesnt seem to give a shit, and on dj's that dont actually give a fuck about me. all ive learned recently is that i should stop trying to help others, because no one gives a fuck about me. i think its safe for me to start a new night, not let ANYONE ELSE play at it, and tell anyone asking to fuck off. :/ whooo! glad im into the things im into. fuck everyone. :( Current Mood: bitchy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 5th, 2011
10:24 pm	i fail im at a low point in life.. i dont want to scare anyone.... i dont want to sound like a bitch.... im just being a realist. my life is shit. my life is whatever comes after 180 degrees from where i wanted it to be at this point.. sigh ugh. i gave THE worst speech in my speech class tonight... just.. the worst. i blame myself and my procrastination.... i dont blame anything/one else. im a horrible person at this point.... fucking the wrong person? maybe wanting to better my life? sure trying to better myself? nope doing anything positive? nope im in NO WAY saying anything suicide realated... but.. when is it okay to say im done with life, and am okay with checking out? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 10th, 2011
11:06 pm	erg well, im gearing up for a comic convention. i cant seem to find a place to stay (maybe my uncle, but its almost too far) and i dont really have the time i want to be going at all. i dont care though, i need to go. for me. this is something i REALLY look forward to, and i need some selfish time in life. the worst part is, i dont think ive read half the comics i bought last year. ::sigh:: so im throwing more wood on a fire thats barely blazing. i DO get to see patton oswalt though, and thats pretty exciting. i finally came to terms with what i need/want out of a companion in life, and actually happened to find someone meeting those requirements at my local comic store.... but when questioned, was... sorta given the cold shoulder from my comic guy. he might be (should be) interested in her as well... he's single.... so i dont specifically hold ill will... but this leads me to the biggest question in my life at the moment. how do you find dates? do they have 'im a nerd and cant get laid' dating sites? is joining ANY dating site a good idea? ugh. i literally have the time... maybe i should just take a month off of work (yeah, THAT will pass HR!) and refocus life.... Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 12th, 2011
8:16 pm	what to do.... what to do, what to do.... im at.... five? different crossroads, right now. all of them lead to disaster, all of them lead to... something else? i HONESTLY dont care about my ex. i really, truly dont.... but.... she is moving on, and i am not. does that mean something? does that mean she is ready to move on, and i am not? i hope thats not the case, but at the same time, i feel its true. maybe im holding on... maybe im hoping we get back together..... i can only realize that NOTHING good can come from that. honest. i know we dont belong together... in fact, if nothing else... im thinking about moving out. we DONT belong together. even as roommates. we dont work on... any? level. perhaps. we just... we dont work. thats fine. my big problem is a plus and minus problem. i have *someone* to move on to/with..... ive fucked this person over MORE THAN once. i. am. SO. NOT. that. guy. it makes me crazy to *be* that..... guy. the person i want? the silhouette? i want her more than... ever? maybe. i want her. thats good enough. i want her as much as ive ever wanted her. the new question..... do i take what i can get? do i take nothing and live with it? do i take nothing and hope to find something better? ::sigh:: as much as i hope things go the way i want them to, im a realist... which means... i know they wont go the way i want them to..... time will tell? i can only hope. :( Current Mood: contemplative (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 23rd, 2011
12:28 am	sigh i came out. was it for the scene? no. was it for networking? no. was it... for her? yes. she wasnt there. i came out, and she wasnt there. i tried to do all i could. i tried to talk to others. i tried to fake that it was for anything other than it was, but i was only fooling... me. she wasnt there, and i was a fool for showing up. HARK! HARK! her silhouette. i saw her silhouette. it didnt take more than a quarter of a second at seeing her silhouette, and i knew it was here. it was, to be honest, pathetic. if given a test? and told to name 1 out of 100 silhouettes? i dont think i could pass. HER silhouette? instant. i knew it was her. i was right. i cant forget it. cant. i wont forget it. we didnt talk. i gave a wave, near the end of the night, and it was returned. it was all i could ask. i wish i could move on, but... but.... Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 16th, 2011
10:09 pm	a sign? so im watching the golden globes with my roommate, and being told 'everything i say is negative'. i dont think it is. she does. i dont, she does... etc. i tell her, if you really feel that way, watch it elsewhere, and she goes upstairs. really!? im that horrible of a person to watch this with? really? im not saying no. honest. but... fuck you, if you cant understand how i talk. none of this makes sense to me. ugh. fuck. everything. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 21st, 2010
10:04 pm	live band question how do people feel about live bands, in general? do you want your g/i night to be strictly a dance night? do you like live bands? turned off by the idea? anything i'm missing? p.s. the social network is the beginning of the oscar season. great, great stuff. be sure to catch it. Current Mood: busy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 19th, 2010
6:04 pm	the ass hat at work that was supposed to run my door bailed on me a few hours before the show. hey... jack ass? got a tip. DONT fuck with your boss. not a good idea. (Comment on this)
4:10 pm	urn tonight! yes yes, it should be a great show. urn returns to indy for the first time in... four? years or so, and xiting the systm is playing with them. huzzah! doors at 8 - club level same crazy drink prices, same crazy strong drinks. bands at 9 or so, so get there early. also, i have an open dj slot, if anyone wants it. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 13th, 2010
9:18 pm	a few things not popular first? true blood is a shitty, shitty, shitty show. dont watch it. DONT. it starts out okay, but seriously devolves into one of the worst shows on tv. its horrible. second? i find is REALLY funny how revenge is going on and on about absinthe deals at their club. i dont want to play a he said, she said game, specifically, but... their club pours drinks like a jew. my club? pours drinks like a lead fisted fuck, that cant figure out how alcohol works on humans. every time i go to that club, i spend AT LEAST 3xs what i do at my bar, and i never leave drunk. do people not want strong drinks at their bar? its an honest question. maybe more people are going out for the music and not the drinks than i think. i CANT believe that to be true though. no one gives a fuck about bands, or the music. its a REALLY sad fact in our scene. no. one. cares. pussy, thats what matters. can i get laid? if not, i dont want to be there. ::sighs:: Current Mood: bitter (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 2nd, 2010
7:24 pm	herm five days until tuesday. thirty on tuesday. i dont feel it. i dont feel like its a big deal. i do feel sad that i didnt/dont get to do anything really special for it though. i must admit one thing though... the new itouch made me wet. i dont think i can afford it, but i do think i can make it happen anyway. ;) bday party sunday! i just realized i havent heard back from dave, so ive been telling everyone a magician would be there, yet he might not be showing. :/ DAVE! COME OUT SUNDAY AND ESCAPE FROM A STRAIGHT JACKET! :D Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Monday, August 23rd, 2010
8:47 pm	my black heart lightens i was told by someone last night "i came out because you asked" ... it was both the best thing ive ever heard, and the worst. on one hand, i almost wanted to cry with joy that someone would actually be kind enough to hear me ask for help, and provide it. on the other hand, i was so mad that its really that easy for some people, and yet i beg others to show, and they just dont give a fuck. ::sighs:: Current Mood: exhausted (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 22nd, 2010
7:51 pm	urn in indy! yay! i hadnt heard if it was official or not, then i got an invite to my own event! september 19th, urn is coming back to indy! :D ill have all the details soon, but i know xiting the systm will be playing with them! :D Current Mood: busy (Comment on this)
10:23 am	resurrection tonight! im on vacation this week/end and damn near forgot i have a club night tonight! :S it will be the first time zlaya, caroline, gretchen and myself have spun together in... probably 2 years, actually. club level! come on out and have one last hurrah before school starts back, if that affects you. no cover, crazy as all hell strong drinks, cheap. what's there to loose? doors at 9. 120 e market street 21+ thanks, all! it means a great deal that you even read this, let alone show up :) Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 1st, 2010
10:26 am	G/I Nights in Indy for Gencon Okay, so here is a break down of all the nights: All nights 21+ Wednesday, August 4th - Club Level (120 E. Market Street) 9pm - 3am Kicking off the Dark Mardi Gras we have: Xiting The Systm - a top 20 industrial band on Vampirefreaks.com! DJ's include: WEiRD sKeTCH (Chicago), Count Grozny (Louisville), Micromachine (Indianapolis) $5 cover* - $4 hurricanes, $3 wells and import beers, $2 domestic beers Thursday, August 5th - Club Level (120 E. Market Street) 9pm - 3 am The big night of the Dark Mardi Gras! Costume contest! Bottoms Up Burlesque! Fire dancer Molly Wildfire! Fire performer Neris! DJ's include: EradiKate (Cincinnati), Sideshow (Louisville), Bad Faerie (Indianapolis), Leprekon (Louisville) $7 cover*, with $2 off if you come in costume - $4 hurricanes, $3 wells and import beers, $2 domestic beers Thursday, August 5th - Hyde Lounge @ Club Blu (20 W. Louisiana Street) 10pm - 3 am Random Productions presents DJ's: DJTC (Springfield, OH) :EYG: (Chicago: The Gothsicles) DJ Kris (Dayton: Syn @ Vex) Zlaya (Indianapolis: Revenge) Krazy Karoline (Indianapolis: Random) Friday, August 6th - Hyde Lounge @ Club Blu (20 w. Louisiana Street) Random Productions presents DJ's: Badfaerie (Indianapolis) Jin-XS (Indianapolis: Revenge) PhOeniXXX (Pittsburgh: Resurrection) Sprite (Chicago: Kinetic) Copper Top (Indianapolis: Random) Sunday, August 8th - Club Level (120 E. Market Street) 9pm - 3am For the final night of the Dark Mardi Gras we have: Fire performer Neris! DJ's include: Mike Dangers (Cincinnati), Gir (Indianapolis), rony (Indianapolis) $3 cover* - $4 hurricanes, $3 wells and import beers, $2 domestic beers *There is a package deal available on the first day to get into all three Dark Mardi Gras nights for $10!! the best deal, for sure! **All Dark Mardi Gras parties will also have vendors, including: Bats! meow (run by The Schroeder's, the goth couple from 'Wife Swap'! Come to meet them!), Please! Spread the word! :) Current Mood: excited (Comment on this)